Cut Away

Holy shit this is an update....

2009-04-19T01:35:34Z

Wow well i happened to stumble across this site and remembered how long ago i used to have an account so i figuired id sign in and see when i made an entry last and can we say holy shit its been about 2 years lmao!! Well an update is much needed, I am no longer with Chaz have not been for a long time... As a matter of fact we split not long after my last entry... funny thing is "I didnt DIE!!" LOL.... The split was hard yes but it wasnt the end of the world and i realized it pretty quick after. Im currently in college right now i graduate in august! I cant wait im so excited... It will be nice to get my career started and start a new chapter in my life. Im currently single and loving it, although it can be lonely at times, it is nice not to have to deal with the drama of a relationship. Hmmm.... what else has gone on in the last two years lol, well my kids are two yrs older lmao my son is now 8 holy crap i know and my daughter is 7. I cant believe how fast they grow.... its incredible!! Umm hmmm well family is good nothing major has gone on i think we are doin alright!

Inspiration....

2007-02-04T04:53:08Z

So today Chaz and I had a pretty bad fight. I guess that is what put me in this dark sorta mood. I hate feeling like this.. I hate when we fight. I love him so much and i think i would completely die if i ever lost him. I know that sounds a lil psychotic but its really how i feel. Im not sure how i would even function without him. He said some horrible things today... Im sure he didnt mean them it was just words in the heat of the moment. But they really crushed me. It really made me stop and think about wether they could be true or not. I dont think they are but he has said time and time again that he doesnt say things unless he means them. We have fought many times before and he never got like he did today. He never really said mean horrible things to me.. Except for today. Makes me wonder if he feels differently about me some how? I really hope its just my mind running away from reality but it still makes me think. I cant wait till next weekend he wants to take me out to the movies or dinner. He really does think of ways to make me happy. Not that doing those things is the only thing that makes me happy but it does help. Sometimes i wish he was a lil more emotional, he doesnt show his feelings much but when he does he really shows them. He always thinks of me and does lil things that he knows i like or would like. I just wish sometimes he would just walk up and grab me and kiss me or hug me. Thats really what i need sometimes. I know men arent really good with all that, or at least thats what i think. I dunno... I am just so happy that things didnt end between us today. I probably would have died emotionally......

Last one i promise lol

2007-02-04T04:45:40Z

Untitled

Slender beams of illumination enter
this darkened chamber as I kneel,
always fearful, always in pain,
frozen here,
waiting.

Tortured forms wrought in panes of glass loom as
dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind,
penetrating my darkened soul.

A reflection on a lover's face.

I raise my head, now kneeling before
this uncaring reality.

and another

2007-02-04T04:38:33Z

stolen emotion

what have you done to me?
a shadow of darkness as emotions twist.
once we savored innocence,
hand in hand and childlike,
but your desire vanished.
a dark vision of agony -
emotions follow bitterness, follow pain,
love forgotten.
in a haze of hatred,
i still love you.

Yet another....

2007-02-04T04:32:53Z

Remembrance of My Death

Around, all around, the mourners gather.
My dread grows as the dagger of your words falls against my heart.
It severs me, and darkly my
essence drips
to the thirsty earth.
In my madness I beg forgiveness
while my doom approaches.
Now alone, my cry of mercy falls upon cold eyes.

This is my doom

One of my many dark poems

2007-02-04T04:28:03Z

Hatred Swells

The night falls in a heavy, suffocating cloak, entwined are we.
the emotion for which you lust
flares once, then dies,
devoured by your obsession.
all hope must not endure.

your soul thrives no more.
how could you not understand?
our dark emotions surround us, crying,
save us from ourselves.

I adopted a panda bear!!

2007-02-03T23:06:08Z

I Hate Stupid People!!

2007-01-28T02:13:45Z

Well i went and got my taxes done yesterday... Not much to say on that lol. Not much to get back. Man i swear i shouldnt even leave the house, Everytime i go anywhere i seem to encounter the most ignorant people. Im not sure if its where i shop or where i chose to go but i cant get away from them. I hate those people who get in line behind you and even if they had looked first and seen you had alot of stuff they still decide to stand there and sneer at you making huffing noises like they are annoyed. I just want to turn around and say excuse me if you are annoyed with me thats pretty sad considering you are being the annoying one. Or you get the people that go through the line and have to argue the price of everything they are purchasing... Now i know its great to save money and hell i am a penny pinching bitch myself but cmon they argue over the stupid lil shit and are only usually saving 10 or 15 cents anyhow. I swear they should have a seperate line for those people. One that says for anyone who would like to bitch and moan about our prices..Lol. Ya that would be great. If i ever have my own store i will definatly be putting one of those in lol. All my life i have usually been a quiet person but im getting to the point where i cant stand it anymore i just feel like screaming at everyone who walks past me lol.. I guess im wanting to make up for lost time lol. We almost got our internet shut off the other day but i had to use almost half my taxes to keep it on..It really sux. Uhh i have to get some laundry done.. I just really dont want to go to my dads to do it. I guess im gonna have to soon or later anyhow... Its been pileing up for about a week now and its just driving me nuts.. Ill be going there tommorow.. YAY!! I would do laundry here but the washer downstairs is sooo small and it costs 2 dollars to wash and 1 dollar and 25 cents to dry.. I think that is a complete rip off.. With me chaz and the kids we end up going through alot of laundry so i cant sit around trying to spend a fortune on some tiny ass washer and dryer. Wow i cant believe its only 9 pm it feels like midnite or even later.. Im so tired for some reason i think its my medication. Ohh ya we got some great news the other day and i cant wait... Chaz's daughter is comming up in march! I love her so much she is soo adorable. she looks so much like him its unreal lol. I hope she will be here close to her birthday its on march 24 ya thats right the day after my sons bday lol. We'll be spending lots of money that week... But they are well worth it. I love my kids and even though she is technically my kid i love her just as much. You kinda have to she is that cute lol. I think anyone who will ever come in contact with that girl will fall right in love with her. well ill end it here for now but ill keep ya all updated... Nitey nite

I suppose

2007-01-25T03:20:55Z

Ok i guess i should post a real entry now lol. Its been a few days and ive just pretty much just made goofy lil posts. I dont have really much to say right now. Not much is going on. Just trying to stay kinda numb. Dont want to feel much right now. Well i dont even feel like posting so im gonna end it here...........

Hehehe

2007-01-25T03:18:26Z

How to make a cutawayfromme

Ingredients:

5 parts success

3 parts arrogance

5 parts empathy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Wow big change.....

2007-01-18T21:10:15Z

You've Changed 80% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal.
In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Bored......

2007-01-18T21:06:55Z

Your Birthdate: August 19

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it.
You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter!
You are very prone to love - hate relationships.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1

You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Cool Facts

2007-01-18T20:53:15Z

In 1982 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US

The space shuttle Columbia completes its first operational flight

Actor John Belushi is found dead of a drug overdose in a West Hollywood hotel

Automobile manufacturer John Delorean is arrested and charged with possession of 59 pounds of cocaine

The first artificial heart is implanted in American Barney Clark

The Cable News Network, or CNN, is launched

750,000 people rally against nuclear weapons in New York City's Central Park

Time Magazine's Man of the Year was for the first time given to a non-human, a computer

The first computer virus, written by Rich Skrenta, escapes into the wild

Kirsten Dunst and Elisha Cuthbert are born

St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series

San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XVI

New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is the top grossing film

Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off of a live bat thrown at him during a performance, later hospitalized with rabies

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Cheers, Family Ties, Silver Spoons, and Fame premiere

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

At least a month to stay....

2007-01-18T03:16:57Z

Well we were able to come up with the money to save our apt for this month. But in 2 weeks we have to come up with rent all over again. Man this really sucks. Why do people have to struggle. Why cant everyone be able to go through life and not have any problems. Well i just have to keep my head up! I know we can do it. We have seem to do it untill now so i just have to try my hardest and stay positive. Well i was doing some research on psychiatrists i think i may just get the help i need. Im gonna call a couple places this week and see what they say. Hopefully my insurance will cover it cuz even though i really need to go i really cant afford it. Well ill keep you all updated on the situation but for now im gonna head off here and surf around the web and see what new things i can find. nite everyone.

Better day.....

2007-01-16T21:46:06Z

Well im in a better mood today but still a lil pissed off. I guess i cant say how pissed i was yesterday it was almost a blur. I think i was soo pissed and aggravated i just seemed to block the entire day. Ah well guess as bad as it was i really dont want to remember much about it. So i have been sitting here thinking deciding what to do cuz believe it or not we have to make some miracles happen in a few short weeks. Its really hard to find a good paying job right now but we need to find some good ones quick. There is one upside to things lately is that now that things are getting rough it doesnt seem to be pushing me and chaz apart or even causing problems if anything its kinda brought us closer. He is always trying to reassure me that everything will be ok. He hasnt even freaked out or gotten upset by how easy its been for me to just break down in a balling fit thinking its the end of the world. I respect that about him cuz most guys would get irritated by the fact that their girlfriend is an emotional wreak. I really love him and i dont think i could really find anyone better. I really do need to get help medically though. I have been really emotional and in just the drop of a dime im either screaming and freaking or crying and dieing lol. Well im gonna end it here need to make dinner for the family.

This country is fucked!

2007-01-15T18:19:47Z

Well its official there is no God! I really cant give a fuck if any of you disagree either. It always seems as if something starts to go right in my life and then BAM beat down with a fucking pipe. If you cant tell by now we didnt get the apt. Cant even really tell you why. Maybe because we arent fucking first class citizens making three figuires a year. Thats what i fucking hate about this country. We applied to an apartment that was in more of a ritzy upscale neighborhood. Although we make enough to pay the rent and then some on the place i guess we just didnt look good enough for the apt. Who the fuck knows. I swear to god (well no i take that back i dont cuz there is no god).... that this country is full of self centered high nosed righteous ass mother fuckers. Lets think about it here there are how many people in the united states homeless or just making it by. Yet we have people walking around this country making songs about how tough there lives supposedly were and making millions. You constintly hear about movie stars and shit adopting children from other countries... How about the fucking kids that are here suffering because single mothers or families arent able to rub to fucking nickles together to take care of them. Think about them for a fucking change. The state doesnt want to help anyone anymore unless you are named abeeb and have 15 fucking kids that you hauled here from a different fucking country. Oh ya they help them give them all kinds of money and medical insurance and oh ya lets not forget they let them live here tax free for 7 fucking yrs. Its like when i was working at meijers a couple years back and this arabic family came through my check out lane had like three fucking carts of shit plus 7 or 8 kids lagging behind i scanned their food stamp card they had over 1,000 dollars on there...Fucked up thing is you know the fucking father either owns a party store or a fucking gas station. Its fucking pathetic. I hate this country and everything it fucking stands for. There is no justice here. I guess this has just all been building up considering getting turned down for an apt has just sparked all this rage inside of me. Well im not apologizing for anything i said cuz frankly its all fucking true. You can leave me comments in any form you would like doesnt make much of a difference to me. Just remember the next time you walk in to a party store and buy something that is 5 dollars over the price it should be that... That motherfucker is living here tax free and just pretty much fucked you by making you pay more for something that he doesnt even have to pay the fucking sales tax on. This country can go get fucked for all i care. I just wish i had the means to move out of it, id be gone in a second.

Just quickly updating...

2007-01-15T15:32:44Z

Well we called the apt complex today they said our credit check isnt done yet but they see no problems. They want us to come in today to bring our pay stubs. I cant wait we will see... Ill write later after we find out something. Pray for us!

The ultimate livejournal obsession quiz!!

2007-01-15T06:13:06Z

The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test
Category	Your Score	Average LJer
Community Attachment	23.66% You've got pals to cheer you up when you're down, but no audience to applaud you... Yet.	22.59%
MemeSheepage	21.05% Only trendy when it's sufficiently entertaining	27.87%
Original Content	50% Using LiveJournal to express a few strong opinions	37.83%
Psychodrama Quotient	49.4% Would it kill you to smile? CHEER UP!	16.74%
Attention Whoring	27.27% You do a little dance whenever someone friends you	20.64%
Take The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

One more day.....

2007-01-14T20:40:14Z

Well one more day till we find out if we got the new apartment or not. I really pray we do. It will be soo awesome. Well last nite my friend heather had a party...I didnt go. Didnt want the drama.. She had invited a few people that i dont get along with to well. Im 24 yrs old and im not much into partying and having drama started because we would have all been drunk and you know how it is when everyone is drunk and you have that weird akward vibe in the room cuz either two or three people sitting there dont like eachother. It would have started off at looks back and forth and then would have went to words and then by the time you are shit faced and unable to walk the physical comes in and you make yourself look like an idiot cuz you cant even stand up straight yet you are trying your hardest to swing at the persons face yet you cant connect cuz your hand eye cordination is soo fucked. Well i didnt want all of that. Alot of my friends think im a prude or something cuz i dont like to party anymore. Well my view on that is im 24 yrs old and i have two kids and my own problems and my own shit i have to take care of. I dont have time to sit around and get wasted. That and i dont like to get wasted cuz i end up forgeting everything i need to do and get done and i always have to think about those things or they will never get done. I dont like getting fucked up cuz i lose all sense of control. I have to have control over my thoughts and feelings. When i dont i get freaked out and paranoid that something bad is going to happen. God i need help. Please if you know of any kind of meds that might help me with this problem please let me know so i can talk to my doctor about it. Or if any of you have the same problems mentally that i do please help me out and let me know what is wrong with you so i can start there. Im so afraid to talk to my doctor about those feelings i dont want her to think im phsychotic and put me in some hospital for tests or on some meds that turn me into some doped up zombie. I dont know if its something mentally wrong with me or if its just a control issue that i have but either way i have been dealing with it way to long and need help soon. I am going to lose my mind.............

Just going through the motions.....

2007-01-14T04:49:26Z

Man it seems like life is just a routine. Everyday the same old shit nothing ever new and exciting. I swear sometimes it seems like there is someone sitting behind me and everytime i go to stand up they push me back down. We went and looked at this apt today i hope we get it we will find out monday if we are approved. Its so much nicer and bigger than the one we are in now, and its cheaper. I mean cmon you cant beat that. Its just hard to have good faith in getting it considering our luck is never good. If we dont get it we may have to go to florida which in a way excites me to go somewhere new but it also scares me as well. The reason we would be going there is that his uncle will let him work at his company and then one day take the company over its almost an offer you cant resist... But you can when the fact is his uncle is an asshole and doesnt really treat him nicely. I wouldnt mind moving to florida hell i wouldnt mind moving anywhere as long as he is happy... Thats all the matters to me is for all of us to stay together and be happy. Im just really scared to go to florida i wont know anybody he has quite a bit of family there... I dont. Its just that every bad thought you could possibly have.... I have. I constintly think...ok well would if something happens between us what will i do ill be stuck in a strange state where i know nobody and i have no clue where to go. I dont know i just worry way to much about things lol. I have all my life... Stupid lil things... Sometimes i wish there was something i could take to quit worrying all the time. I am serious my mind goes 24/7 it never stops...I even worry about things while im sleeping.. And alot of the time the things im worrying about are dumb things that someone shouldnt even have to think about...Yet my mind dwells on them. I dunno chaz always tells me i should see a therapist that maybe they could help but im not good with talking to people especially people i dont know. I dunno what to do.... I just really hope everything works out and we get this new place. Its a very nice place in a nice area, Great schools which is a big plus for me cuz i cant stand the fact that austin is going to taylor schools right now... They are sooo bad. If we move to this new place he will be going to woodhaven schools and i think they are really good. I went there all through school up untill 9th grade then i had to go to truman which is in taylor and my god it was the worst school i had ever seen they were doing stuff that i had done in like 7th or 8th grade. They were way behind. I think he would do really well in woodhaven schools. Well lets just pray and hope that everything works out and if you all could put us in your thoughts or prayers i would appreciate it. We can use all the luck we can get.

Well...Well...Well....

2007-01-06T18:44:28Z

Well not much to say today not in the best of moods just sick of people talking shit. God why cant people just grow up. I think it should be mandatory that once you are out of high school you cant gossip or talk shit anymore lol ya that would be great. Well im done ranting now lol need to go make lunch for the monkeys lol.

Things are getting rough!

2007-01-06T05:21:02Z

Things seem to be getting rough, Hopefully they get better soon. I really like being in school but sometimes i just feel like i need to be working more than going to school. I guess i have to look at the big picture and realize it may be hard right now but soon or later because i went to school i will be in a better place. Im just hoping that it wont be so hard to find a job in the field that im looking in. I mean right now i see so many job openings but hopefully they will be there when i need one. Alot of people are out of jobs and having hard times. This economy is soo messed up. All thanks to bush i think. It seems like the state doesnt even want to help people anymore either like passing that law that you can only get assistance from the state for 4 yrs out of your entire life i really think thats a lil harsh. What they dont realize is in about 4-8 yrs when the people who are getting help now get cut off and there still isnt jobs to be found our homeless population is going to go way up. I have talked to a few people and know a few people who are having really tough times, This girl i know poor thing she got evicted a couple weeks ago and went to the state for help they turned her down and told her they couldnt help her that her rent was to high...Her rent was 525.00 that is a lil less than the normal price for an apartment i think anyhow they told her to go stay at a shelter and put her on a " WAITING LIST" ya a waiting list a four month waiting list. Now what does that say when we have shelters that have four month waiting lists to get in. She is all by herself with a six month old son and they tell her pretty much that she has to live outside for four months. Thankfully she was able to go to her parents house but it is all the way in fowlerville so she has to leave her entire independent life cuz the state could not help her with 525.00 dollars. What is this place comming to?? I dunno but if it doesnt get better within the next couple of months we are thinking about moving to florida... We have a much better chance there. Well i hope all of you are doing ok and hanging in there take care everyone. Buh bye

Ok Ok Im BACK Finally!!

2006-12-31T08:44:18Z

I am finally back online. Alot has changed in my life in the past 10 months. I have grown and learned alot of new things. I met the man of my dreams,the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with. We are getting married in october of 2007. We have known eachother since high school and actually even had crushes on each other. I ran into him last year on the internet and we talked he was living in california at the time so nothing got to serious at first.... Then as time went by we both pretty much knew we still had feelings for eachother. He then decided to move back to michigan to be with me. Since then my life has been almost perfect. I love him with all my heart, i'm so glad that we finally get to be together. We have our own place now in melvindale and we are doing ok for ourselves. Im still in school but currently not working at the time. I cant wait to get my degree and start my career. I hope everyone here is doing well and im so glad to be back. I hope to talk to you all soon. Tim if you read this i hope all is still going well with you and ashley and i would love to hear from you. Take care.

Hey everyone!!

2005-11-21T20:55:33Z

Hey everyone just wanted to drop in and let everyone know im still living. I am at the library since i have no computer anymore :( I miss you all. Things have been going ok. I am still working at the hair salon and still going to school. Well I need to go im limited on my time on the comp. Talk to you all soon :)

New update

2005-08-31T18:48:48Z

Well things seem to be ok this week. I start a new job tommorow. Yay! Ill be working at a hair salon in the mall sounds like it could be some fun. I start school the 15th of this month so that will be awesome as well. Things are starting to look up a bit for me. I am in a lil better spirits the last couple days. I just hope things keep going well for me. I miss you all and i hope to talk to and hear from you all really soon.

Amanda